At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Enjoy the penises
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
