Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
