if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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