yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
