you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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