connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
