im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
