Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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