HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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