The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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