she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
