what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
