There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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