I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
