Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
