your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
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His hands were made for my vagina.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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