when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
