I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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