Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's get the cat blown out
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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