Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
