Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
