I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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