Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
