I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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