i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
