since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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