I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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