You can't motorboat a personality
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
how drunk are you?
Several
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
