I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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