Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
