Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
