I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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