Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
