This is not my ceiling
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
