The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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