I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
