I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
