I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
