I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
