I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
