seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We have started to decorate penises.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
