Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
