Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
