You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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