My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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