Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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