her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
