I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
