if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize