I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
