these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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