I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
