How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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