Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
