You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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