im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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