You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
