I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
